I have grown up in a middle-income family. In my family, it's only me, my dad, and my mom. My mom is a homemaker, and my dad is a government employee. Since my childhood, life has always been very monotonous and grey. In my house, it was very important to have good grades and get a good job. So, I followed that and finished my postgraduation, and then also got a job. But, in this whole journey, there was something always missing. It always felt like an essential part of the puzzle is missing. And the worst part was that I didn’t know what it was.
Then a few years ago, I also got diagnosed with clinical depression, along with panic, anxiety, and insomnia. And with the degradation of my mental health, my way of living also changed. By that time, I have moved from home and was living in a different city. I started to live in a very messy way, I didn’t even use to spread a bedsheet on my bed. Sleep to me became a long-lost emotion. Nights after night I used to lie down and look towards the ceiling, thinking how will it feel to give up this life? I even attempted a few times but never succeeded. And today I thank the universe that I didn’t succeed in that. That was a big fight in my life, to be alive. My body still has the battle scars from those times.
However, this year (2021) it was different. In 2020 I witnessed so much chaos and negativity in the world, that this year I decided to work on myself, to be alive again, and not to live like a walking nightmare. But the missing piece of the puzzle has taken the shape of a void now and it just keeps on engulfing the happiness, the motivation that I try to build. And the saddest part was that everywhere I looked, there was unhappiness. I noticed that people have forgotten how to smile, how to be happy, and I was one of them.
One winter day, I was just seating on my couch and looking out of the window. It was just a few hours before dusk, and it was a very silent afternoon. There was no one in the house that day apart from me and my silence. I was just looking out and was sinking deep into thoughts. And then suddenly I saw this beautiful ray of sun on my windowsill. It was very mellow and soothingly warm. Something just pulled me towards the window, and I went and stood in front of it. Just then a breeze blew, it was a cool afternoon breeze. And for some reason, I closed my eyes and felt tears streaming down my cheeks. And it was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. I smiled. And that’s when I realized that the missing piece of the puzzle of my life was never missing, it was always there, but I chose to ignore it. It was made of all the small things in life that I never acknowledged.
We are so much absorbed in the thoughts of not getting the things that we want; we seldom forget to appreciate the things that we have. At that moment, I felt like the chaos of the city just numbed down and zen set in my room. I silently went over to my bed and cleaned it, folded my clothes, and kept them in the cupboard, and lit some incense cones.
I took out my paintbrushes and just started painting. I don’t know what I want to pain, but I started with some shades of blue and then some shades of magenta. I remember I was crying the whole time as I was painting. Tears were continuously flowing down my cheeks and I felt like, with every tear, the negativities inside me were leaving my body.
I haven't felt this blissfully happy in a long time. I felt like the war between my soul and my mind has ended and a new dawn has set in. Now, I have learned to appreciate these small things in life, such as the sound of the wind when it blows through the trees and the foggy mist after rain. Even though I live in a city and the chaos is always there, I chose to ignore the chaos now, the way I used to ignore the good things. I still feel low and gloomy some days because that is normal and that is okay. But every night I try to go to sleep with a smile (yes, I have cured my insomnia to quite an extent), thinking what new surprises the coming day holds for me.
I know many of you who are reading this story is feeling the same way I used to feel. A continuous feeling of despair and anxiety and a continuous urge of giving up on life because it is so hard, isn’t it? But I will tell you to take one more step and hold that thought off for one more day. If you give up on life, there is no coming back from there, but if you wait for one more day, maybe something is going to happen in your life that is going to change everything in a good way. So, think of life like a mountainous road. It’s very tough to climb, it’s rocky, and going down is very easy. If you only concentrate on the road, it is surely going to become very monotonous and after a while, you are going to be breathless. But if you wait for a minute, take a break, and look around, you will realize what beauty actually is. And in the end, you will never regret putting so much effort, because life has very mysterious ways of surprising you with gifts when you make it to the top.
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